The Haunted Storm

hmmm.... had loads of fun yesterday... my 'date' with Tien went well... very well... now i'll see where this leads to... i hope to some place sunny... :D

New Path
after a long time
of walking the same path
i changed my way
and chose a new road
a new direction

after a long time
of walking all alone
i have found someone
and she found me
a new direction

after a long time
of ignoring crossing roads
i changed my way
and i was rewarded
a new direction

i dunno why, but I'm feeling emo.... so i will be posting some things i wrote yesterday.....


The Hollow
Now, I'm sitting down
dreaming away
wanting to get out
wishing to stay
'n the colours I see
fading to grey


the passion's slowly
fading to black
all the mistakes
will double and stack
painfully showing
everything you lack

now, I'm sitting down
all alone
in the dreaming dark
and I moan:
"When will it end?
and when, oh, when
when will I turn
into Stone?"

well, as is obvious, i wasn't in the bestest of moods.... bored to tears and feeling very alone...... surrounded by people i do not understand or even want to know.... luckily, i don't know much of them....

Reality?
an empty facâde
and nothing is real
masks everywhere
ambiguity rules

the faces are hollow
hiding with fear
all of the truths
the core of their souls

expressions are blank
emotions are lies
contents are gone
all without goals

in this darkest world
I have to survive
giving up my heart
forfeiting my soul

for what?

again, not mr sunny, this was written about 5 mins after the previous one.... realising i was surrounded by liars and frauds.... there's a drawing that comes with it... wil post it later.... prolly....

had a larp event last weekend, symbols. first time ever i tried to play a character and i had loads of fun... i thought i succeeded in creating a fairly closed background (no survivors whatsoever), but i was wrong... found out i have a half brother of a few months old... ARGH!!!!! but it was fun... did some whoopin, got whooped.... dropped my weapon once.... was really, really stupid..... lost because of it... Luna, be happy with it.... I WILL BEAT YOU NEXT TIME!!!!!!!!

for the rest, been very busyt with school and last weekend was well needed.... nothing special further.... not gonna give a detailed report about last weekend.... jus don't feel like it... too tired.....

it's been ages since i've updated.... i know.... been busy with fixing stuff for school.... it's horrible:S... got a last minute notification that i couldn't subscribe to my old school.... too few points... so i had approx 5 hours to get home, get my stuff together and subscribe to another school.... been like hell racing up n down to a'dam... but i was in time, and now i have a new school... and it goes well....

and i had a thought... i was thinking about opening another blog and post the stuff i create for games there... i do that a lot, especially dnd... at this moment, i'm devising a class for one of my partymembers.... and i'd liek to have some comment on it... the adress is: http://solardnd.livejournal.com ... so whaddaya think?

hi hi and i'm back

this weekend has completely been the opposite of my previous weekend (and previous post) now i'm cool, relaxed and happy with myself....

but first i musyt come back to my previous post... the one i was falling in love and i had a talk last tuesday. he listened to my story about what i felt and didn't interrupt me with anything unnessecary... after my story was finished he finally said something: 'That's no problem... i know you will get over it with time and next to that, you're way to relaxed to leave over something like this'. those words, and the truth hidden in it, meant so much to me. and now, i'm almost completely over it, so that's an issue that has been fixed. i'm feeling good

the days after that at work were possibly the best days ever... simply because i could finally actually work... it was a mess, it was pure chaos, and i was loving every minute of it... i came home tired and content with leaving a good job..

then friday night, i had a conversation with my best friend. i was about me shitting my pants over my own development. i grew so ridiculously fast over the last few weeks that it really scared me. so we had a long talk about it and i fell asleep, sleeping better than i had for weeks. saturday, i woke up and felt....different. calm, more relaxed. like that whirlwind of emotions inside of me has subsided and leaves me be. suddenly, i'm more considerate, more organized and i'm feeling a lot more than i used to. this calm inside of me is one of the best things i've ever felt and it makes life so much easier. i think that conversation with my best friend was the final trigger for the storm to calm.

in other words, i can say i'm.....

happy.....

yesterday was a wierd day... getting up early to get to schiphol to get on a plane towards scotland... waking up besides Bianca was sweet, sweet indeed...

at the airport i met up with my classmates and boarded the plane after having a drink together... the plane was fun... everytime i fly, i like it better and better..

then the arrival in edinburgh... one of the first things i found out is that i do not have a mobile phone connection... which is kinda pissy, since i promised to keep in touch by texting to me mum, best friend and girlfriend... the weird thing is, one of my classmates said i could send a text with her phone... i wanted to send 3, but only 2 txts got off... I'm sorry den that i could not get word out to you...

Late last night i found out we have an internet connection at the hostel (the one i'm using now)and i'v just sent a mail to my parents, best friend and girlfriend...

Further, we've had a lot of fun just strolling around edinburgh. more will come later.

all in all, i'm having a great time, but i also want to go home, 'cause i miss the people at home...

i had no time to do this earlier, but still, here it finally is...

it all started out perfect. *ahem* first i forgot it was a holiday and i needed to pay for the bus, but i had no cash whatsoever on me, so i was delayed 30 minutes. then the train. i almost got booted (i actually got booted to be precise) for not having a ticket. just entered the following cart and went on.

and then i saw her. i walked over, kissed her and said: It's a miracle i'm still standing. i was so nervous i was literally shaking on my feet. but to see her, to feel her against me, to be with her made it all vanish into thin air. i was completely filled with the love i feel for her, with no place left for any onther emotion.

we walked around a bit, met some of her friends. some of them i already knew, and some i didn't. Dicky, you're cool. i'll prolly see more from you :D. and Chris, you're a doll :D. thnx for your support.

then, the moment of ultimate doom: meeting her parents. the nerves shot right back into place, but i managed to keep a cool facade, and that's all it was. but it went pretty well. had dinner with them, talked a bit and it all went pretty smooth. thank the gods it did.

we were supposed to go to a bar she volunteers for, but we ended up somewhere else entirely. there we sat, talked to some friends of her and just had a lot of fun. just don't watch the vid's. they'll give you weird ideas :P

I missed the last train home!! what a shame. [/sarcasm] i actually made sure i missed the train. i had to work the following day, but i could get there from her place as easily as from my place. so back into the bar and some more fun.

after that we went home and watched some dvd's (i needed to kill some time. had to have the bus at 6.21... it was 3.00) what happened during those dvd's will not be put here. i'll get banned for sexually explicit content :P. nah, it wasn't that bad, but it was bloody devine.

now i've reread it all, i suddenly realise i'm really bad. smitten like never before. i like that word, smitten :D

ok, tomorrow's the day I'll see Bianca again, and my nerves are KILLING me! as in total, brutal overkill!

it started yesterday at work. i could get hardly anything done, and i hate it. i forgot almost everything i should've done and in the end, i couldn't get my work finished and a colleague had to step in and fix it all. which happens te be the one i despise the most.

anyway, i am thoroughly confused about what to do, say or behave. just damn scared to mess up i guess. and that's the last thing i want to happen. it'll be alright when i see her tomorrow, but now i'm shitting in seven colours. this is sooo frustrating.

i do know one thing though:

Bianca, i love you...

i'm happy, i'm blissfull, i'm in love...

don't ask me how it happened or where it came from, it was just there. i have lost my heart to the most special lady i've met in a very long time.

ok, the story:
one of my friends asked me to come over last night for a party at the bar he works. i somehow managed to get everything fixed with my work (a was allowed to start 2 hours later, didn't need it in the end though) and i was able to go.
I met a few people of the group that was sitting there before, and i liked them, but now i feel at home there. pretty soon, Bianca started to talk to me. this went f and on a bit for the majority of the start of the night. we were mainly discussing what we look for in men/women (both apply to the both of us). pretty soon i had some trouble keeping my hands to myself and i stroked her gently from time to time. a guesture she seemed to appreciate a lot. eventually we found ourselves almost in front of the dj box. and i don't know exactly what happened, or how, but i do know that that was the best kiss i've had in a really long time. at least, i thought. throughout the rest of the night, they only got better and better. and now i'm lost.

lost in the waves of my love
lost in her sweet embrace.
lost, but found at the same time.

i haven't slept, 'cause i needed to get to work. in the last 60 hours, i've slept only 1. but i'm all revved up. Bianca... i'm yours...

I had the surprise of my life last night. Around 11pm Matt came online.

for those that do not know the story of Matt, here's a short version:
Matt and I met on a Warhammer forum. We exchanged MSN addies and slowly things got out of hand. The bloke lives in scotland and we fell in love with each other.
The guy has some issues though, and i tried to help him as much as i could. But after about 2 months of daily listening to his fears and insecurities it started to wear on me. I started to break down myself after trying to talk him into a better mood. So I told him I sometimes felt that i was more of a therapist to him in stead of a lover. this became a fight and i haven't heard from him since. this was 2 and a half months ago.

then he came on again. It seriously surprised me. it confused me. He wanted to apologize for his reaction at my remark. I forgave him, even though he caused a lot of tears and fears with me. The fears were gone, but now they have returned in full force.

the guy looks like he's been dragged after a horse for the last 2 months. He rarely drank any alcohol, and now he does so at a daily basis. He hardly sleeps due to the abnormally high caffeine levels in his blood. He just kept saying he should have taken my advice and started to look for professional help. At random moments in our conversation he apologized over and over again.

I'm scared he will destroy himself like this. Scared that his body and mind will give in to the stresses he is under now. I don't want him to be hurt. but he must help himself before anyone else can.

He wanted to go back to the way it was before. Before the fight, before he was drinking almost full time. before he started to break down. But i don't know if i can. i really don't know. deep down he's still the same, but he's losing himself. i don't know if i can handle with that. i really don't know.

i'm scared and confused and i have no idea what to do.

Blood red rivers
all ruler straight
running through
an icy landscape
made of curves

Screams that echo
throught these empty plains
fill the darkness
that rules this world

Sometime later
the rivers are gone
the landscape empty
the echoes silent

The darkness
is once again
absolute


I wrote this when I had a flashback to one of my exes. A description of my life at that point.

this is something i wrote when i was at work. callcenters, they should be declared as a criminal institution.

Fly!

This is going nowhere…

Think Peter Pan!

Hmm, still not flying…

Starting to fall…

Falling now…

This is a very steep cliff…

Starting to see the bottom…

Looks hard…

OUCH!

As you can see, i wasn't in a very happy mood.

...and i'm open for business.

after a long preiod of seriously struggeling with myself, everything's falling in it's place. which means I'm happy.

I want to thank various people, for some where realy important with getting my head straight on.

First of all, my best friend Deniz. Love you still baby, always have, always will.

And then Rich, you helped me more than you could ever imagine. we should schedule a training soon.

The people at the Vortex specials, for making me feel at place.

And me mum n dad, for helping me always.

I'm forgetting about a million people, so all of you, thanks.